Physical fitness is key to surviving the zombie apocalypse. To make this point, I want you to look around you. What do you see? I’m guessing you see fat people. Now for some of you, there will be exceptions. Maybe you work in a fitness center, or for a manufacturer of body building supplements, or maybe you are a model living in model land where everyone is beautiful…If you are that person, by the way, You suck and I hate you. Anyway, this applies to you too, so pay attention. In the zombie apocalypse you can go ahead and assume that all those people around you will, all in a sudden, want to eat you.
That’s right, no longer are they hungry for that last jelly filled powder sugar covered donut, They are hungry for you. They want to rip the flesh from your bones with their teeth and bath in the gore that was your entrails. Now ask yourself this…..Can I kick these peoples asses? Am I man enough to smash in their skulls with a blunt object to save my own hide from their shared and horrible fate? Or will all these obese cube whales gobble me up like so many helpless little krill.
The real question is “am I STRONG enough to bash in their misserable zombie brains with that blunt object? And after I bash in the useless zombie noggins of the fatties that surround me, (or hot models, depending on where you work….Still hate you) am I strong enough to keep swinging and crushing the heads off of all the porkies in billing and shipping and finance and accounting as you bludgeon your way to freedom? Do you have the juice for that?
I’m guessing the answer might be no. Now you might be a personal trainer shaking your head right now thinking, “I can bash my way to freedom out of fattyville.” Well, you might have to fight a little harder, because you have to fight your way out of the gym where all of your super strong and ultra buff compatriots are pumping the iron just like you. Have you ever heard of retard strength? Zombie strength is just like that, but worse depending on how strong the person actually was before zombification. Can you kick their asses? ALL of them?
That’s what I thought. It is now officially time to turn up the training. You need to be a lean, mean, Zombie ass pounding machine. (I’m not alluding to gay sex with zombies There) You need some cardio, but you also need some good old fashion, sleeve busting man muscle to put the snap into that swinging bat, and send the zombie heads a-splatterin’.
Get on it!
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