Spotting Zombies and understanding their behavior is essential to your survival in the zombie apocalypse. Part of being prepared for zombie smashing is zombie spotting, makes sense, right?
A quick word on preparedness….
I went to lunch with my buddy today. We had Rock and Roll Chicken Fingers, which is awesome zombie fighting fuel, and something I will surely miss when society collapses.
Anyway, on the way back to work, I spotted a Zombie. Honest to God, there he was, gimping across the parking lot of the neighborhood liquor store. I big painful hitch in his step like someone kicked him square in the Johnson, left arm out for balance, right arm curled up like a mongoloid, pale skin, hair all mussed up, mouth open and drooling, tattered and beat up clothing like he just crawled out of a dumpster from behind a Chinese restaurant. Zombie for sure. Ok, maybe a homeless drunken turd, but it wouldn’t have hurt to bash him anyway. Everyone knows that the homeless population is a festering breeding ground for zombies and other communicable diseases untouchable by penicillin.
(Side note; don’t have sex with the homeless…or zombies…..definitely not with a homeless zombie, no matter how they beg or how small the asking price. Remember, you get what you pay for.)
So I said to my friend, “we need to smash that zombie” to which he replied,” I don’t have anything in the car to bash him with.”
Preparedness. The life we could have saved by smashing that zombie might have been your Mom’s. Pity, especially if she’s hot.
Back to spotting zombies,
Their skin is pale and probably pocked. Zombies don’t use much skin product, and they don’t tan after they have turned. This could be confusing in California where there will inevitably be a bunch of bronzed and preened zombies that may look ready for a game of beach volleyball or dressed up to go out for an espresso and to picket the Mormons over gay marriage. For this I say…use your best judgment. They are generally pale, like an emo goth kid. I would explain the tell tale differences, but honestly, do you care? Bashing an emo is you doing the job that natural selection should have done but couldn’t.
They will generally stink. Zombies are not known for their excellent hygiene. They are also known to poop themselves for lack of sphincter control. This will also make it harder to differentiate between zombies, emos, and Californians, so be sure to look for other zombie signs before bashing. Of course, if you bash strictly on smell, few juries will convict you if you get it wrong.
Zombies walk funny. Probably from all that God damn dancing. Look for the funny walk, but also take note of the prior notes on Californians and emos. Zombies are generally slow, of course unless they are dancing. Beware of the deadly zombie dance attack; many have fallen for underestimating the speed of their moon walk. My advice is to swing first if you see a suspected zombie in dance mode. The only way I see this advice going bad is if you happen upon a Halloween costume party where everyone is playing Wii dance dressed as zombies. For real though, they are getting what they deserve.
As I think of more, I’ll post it up.
Knowledge is power!
No comments:
Post a Comment