The Zombie killer number one, D "the Witch doctor" Payne.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Operation: Sucker Punch……not the movie.
Here is a hot training tip for you cube monkeys out there, Operation Sucker Punch. It’s a simple training plan for you and your office survival team, you don’t need any tools or weights, just your fists, elbows and possibly if your talented enough your feet. The rules are simple, punch your team members anyplace in the trunk (Chest, stomach, back, arms) as often as you want and with little to no warning. Because you’re in the office you want to at least make the attempt to be subtle because all the HR buzz kills will put the kibosh on it like they do everything fun. You can also decide on a pre-set punch strength, say like 30% power to start out with, if you’re scared.
You may ask “how does being sucker punched help me prepare for a zombie attack?” if you have to ask you’re an idiot, but then again you do work in a cubical so we have to start someplace. So far I’ve found three benefits to being punched.
#1 How often do you get smacked around right now? I’ll answer for you, never. Being punched is man game; you don’t think your going to get bruised up battling zombies and the other survivors who are trying to take your food? Why try to learn how to deal with pain at that point? Train your body now to take a beating and then when it counts you’ll be ready to rock n roll.
#2 In the zombie apocalypse you have to keep your head on a swivel, you will never know when zombies could attack. As operation sucker punch continues in your office your going to find that your ever vigilant watching for the next guy to punch your ass right out. We call this “situational awareness” something most of the cattle you work with have no concept of.
#3 You don’t think your going to have to punch someone or some thing in the apocalypse? Unfortunately if you’re like the pansies I work with you haven’t thrown a punch sense grade school. When you, you do start punching your team you’re going to find your firsts, wrists and arms need strength to make your blows count, with Operation Sucker Punch you’re now developing these vastly underused muscle groups.
No go forth and beat the hell out of your survival team.
You may ask “how does being sucker punched help me prepare for a zombie attack?” if you have to ask you’re an idiot, but then again you do work in a cubical so we have to start someplace. So far I’ve found three benefits to being punched.
#1 How often do you get smacked around right now? I’ll answer for you, never. Being punched is man game; you don’t think your going to get bruised up battling zombies and the other survivors who are trying to take your food? Why try to learn how to deal with pain at that point? Train your body now to take a beating and then when it counts you’ll be ready to rock n roll.
#2 In the zombie apocalypse you have to keep your head on a swivel, you will never know when zombies could attack. As operation sucker punch continues in your office your going to find that your ever vigilant watching for the next guy to punch your ass right out. We call this “situational awareness” something most of the cattle you work with have no concept of.
#3 You don’t think your going to have to punch someone or some thing in the apocalypse? Unfortunately if you’re like the pansies I work with you haven’t thrown a punch sense grade school. When you, you do start punching your team you’re going to find your firsts, wrists and arms need strength to make your blows count, with Operation Sucker Punch you’re now developing these vastly underused muscle groups.
No go forth and beat the hell out of your survival team.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Zombie Spotting: Know the difference....or not.
Spotting Zombies and understanding their behavior is essential to your survival in the zombie apocalypse. Part of being prepared for zombie smashing is zombie spotting, makes sense, right?
A quick word on preparedness….
I went to lunch with my buddy today. We had Rock and Roll Chicken Fingers, which is awesome zombie fighting fuel, and something I will surely miss when society collapses.
Anyway, on the way back to work, I spotted a Zombie. Honest to God, there he was, gimping across the parking lot of the neighborhood liquor store. I big painful hitch in his step like someone kicked him square in the Johnson, left arm out for balance, right arm curled up like a mongoloid, pale skin, hair all mussed up, mouth open and drooling, tattered and beat up clothing like he just crawled out of a dumpster from behind a Chinese restaurant. Zombie for sure. Ok, maybe a homeless drunken turd, but it wouldn’t have hurt to bash him anyway. Everyone knows that the homeless population is a festering breeding ground for zombies and other communicable diseases untouchable by penicillin.
(Side note; don’t have sex with the homeless…or zombies…..definitely not with a homeless zombie, no matter how they beg or how small the asking price. Remember, you get what you pay for.)
So I said to my friend, “we need to smash that zombie” to which he replied,” I don’t have anything in the car to bash him with.”
Preparedness. The life we could have saved by smashing that zombie might have been your Mom’s. Pity, especially if she’s hot.
Back to spotting zombies,
Their skin is pale and probably pocked. Zombies don’t use much skin product, and they don’t tan after they have turned. This could be confusing in California where there will inevitably be a bunch of bronzed and preened zombies that may look ready for a game of beach volleyball or dressed up to go out for an espresso and to picket the Mormons over gay marriage. For this I say…use your best judgment. They are generally pale, like an emo goth kid. I would explain the tell tale differences, but honestly, do you care? Bashing an emo is you doing the job that natural selection should have done but couldn’t.
They will generally stink. Zombies are not known for their excellent hygiene. They are also known to poop themselves for lack of sphincter control. This will also make it harder to differentiate between zombies, emos, and Californians, so be sure to look for other zombie signs before bashing. Of course, if you bash strictly on smell, few juries will convict you if you get it wrong.
Zombies walk funny. Probably from all that God damn dancing. Look for the funny walk, but also take note of the prior notes on Californians and emos. Zombies are generally slow, of course unless they are dancing. Beware of the deadly zombie dance attack; many have fallen for underestimating the speed of their moon walk. My advice is to swing first if you see a suspected zombie in dance mode. The only way I see this advice going bad is if you happen upon a Halloween costume party where everyone is playing Wii dance dressed as zombies. For real though, they are getting what they deserve.
As I think of more, I’ll post it up.
Knowledge is power!
A quick word on preparedness….
I went to lunch with my buddy today. We had Rock and Roll Chicken Fingers, which is awesome zombie fighting fuel, and something I will surely miss when society collapses.
Anyway, on the way back to work, I spotted a Zombie. Honest to God, there he was, gimping across the parking lot of the neighborhood liquor store. I big painful hitch in his step like someone kicked him square in the Johnson, left arm out for balance, right arm curled up like a mongoloid, pale skin, hair all mussed up, mouth open and drooling, tattered and beat up clothing like he just crawled out of a dumpster from behind a Chinese restaurant. Zombie for sure. Ok, maybe a homeless drunken turd, but it wouldn’t have hurt to bash him anyway. Everyone knows that the homeless population is a festering breeding ground for zombies and other communicable diseases untouchable by penicillin.
(Side note; don’t have sex with the homeless…or zombies…..definitely not with a homeless zombie, no matter how they beg or how small the asking price. Remember, you get what you pay for.)
So I said to my friend, “we need to smash that zombie” to which he replied,” I don’t have anything in the car to bash him with.”
Preparedness. The life we could have saved by smashing that zombie might have been your Mom’s. Pity, especially if she’s hot.
Back to spotting zombies,
Their skin is pale and probably pocked. Zombies don’t use much skin product, and they don’t tan after they have turned. This could be confusing in California where there will inevitably be a bunch of bronzed and preened zombies that may look ready for a game of beach volleyball or dressed up to go out for an espresso and to picket the Mormons over gay marriage. For this I say…use your best judgment. They are generally pale, like an emo goth kid. I would explain the tell tale differences, but honestly, do you care? Bashing an emo is you doing the job that natural selection should have done but couldn’t.
They will generally stink. Zombies are not known for their excellent hygiene. They are also known to poop themselves for lack of sphincter control. This will also make it harder to differentiate between zombies, emos, and Californians, so be sure to look for other zombie signs before bashing. Of course, if you bash strictly on smell, few juries will convict you if you get it wrong.
Zombies walk funny. Probably from all that God damn dancing. Look for the funny walk, but also take note of the prior notes on Californians and emos. Zombies are generally slow, of course unless they are dancing. Beware of the deadly zombie dance attack; many have fallen for underestimating the speed of their moon walk. My advice is to swing first if you see a suspected zombie in dance mode. The only way I see this advice going bad is if you happen upon a Halloween costume party where everyone is playing Wii dance dressed as zombies. For real though, they are getting what they deserve.
As I think of more, I’ll post it up.
Knowledge is power!
SURVIVING Z-DAY
There are a few questions one has to ask ones self. Am I prepared for Z-day? With the inevitable Z-day approaching one needs to be equipped with many tools to survive even the first few days. The best thing to do is get a 72 hour zombie survival kit together. The following list is some of the basic necessities for survival for the first few days and the reasons why you will need then and the uses.
Basic survival gear
(72hour kit) (sleeping bag, food, water,) if you have to ask why you need food water and a sleeping bag you deserve to be a Zombie
(Gun) a gun is key, because it provides distance between you and the zombie
(Ammo) will be the most valuable and coveted commodity, a gun is useless with out it. Make sure to use sparingly
(Melee weapon) (machete, baseball bat) when you run out of ammo or if there is just one zombie it is best to kill them softly or in other words silently
(Knife) this is not a weapon it is a tool used for multiple cutting purposes
(Tools or utility knife) (Leatherman) when trying to escape if you a vehicle breaks down and or there are obstructions in you way such as a fence you will need tools.
(Backpack) if you run out of gas or the vehicle breaks down you may need to walk it out and you will need to take all of your survival gear
(First aid kit) injuries are bound to happen and as long as they are not a zombie bit or scratch you will want something to patch you up.
(Vehicle) you will want to find a vehicle that is somewhat armored or is a 4x4 with some clearance because you most likely will need to break through or climb over obstructions such as other vehicles and rocks and go off road.
(Gas can) gas will become the other commodity that will be most coveted and you may need a way to carry extra.
(Flash light) well… because you need to see when its dark
(A destination) this is one of the most important parts of survival you will need to find a safe and secure destination to set up base camp
(A route with a map and a backup route) the highways most likely will be blocked and zombies will be everywhere, so find a route that would be easy to escape on.
(2 to 5 good capable friends) this is also key you will need companionship and someone to watch your back.
(1 Idiot friend) this will provide a comic relief and someone who can be a decoy.
Basic survival gear
(72hour kit) (sleeping bag, food, water,) if you have to ask why you need food water and a sleeping bag you deserve to be a Zombie
(Gun) a gun is key, because it provides distance between you and the zombie
(Ammo) will be the most valuable and coveted commodity, a gun is useless with out it. Make sure to use sparingly
(Melee weapon) (machete, baseball bat) when you run out of ammo or if there is just one zombie it is best to kill them softly or in other words silently
(Knife) this is not a weapon it is a tool used for multiple cutting purposes
(Tools or utility knife) (Leatherman) when trying to escape if you a vehicle breaks down and or there are obstructions in you way such as a fence you will need tools.
(Backpack) if you run out of gas or the vehicle breaks down you may need to walk it out and you will need to take all of your survival gear
(First aid kit) injuries are bound to happen and as long as they are not a zombie bit or scratch you will want something to patch you up.
(Vehicle) you will want to find a vehicle that is somewhat armored or is a 4x4 with some clearance because you most likely will need to break through or climb over obstructions such as other vehicles and rocks and go off road.
(Gas can) gas will become the other commodity that will be most coveted and you may need a way to carry extra.
(Flash light) well… because you need to see when its dark
(A destination) this is one of the most important parts of survival you will need to find a safe and secure destination to set up base camp
(A route with a map and a backup route) the highways most likely will be blocked and zombies will be everywhere, so find a route that would be easy to escape on.
(2 to 5 good capable friends) this is also key you will need companionship and someone to watch your back.
(1 Idiot friend) this will provide a comic relief and someone who can be a decoy.
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