Here is a hot training tip for you cube monkeys out there, Operation Sucker Punch. It’s a simple training plan for you and your office survival team, you don’t need any tools or weights, just your fists, elbows and possibly if your talented enough your feet. The rules are simple, punch your team members anyplace in the trunk (Chest, stomach, back, arms) as often as you want and with little to no warning. Because you’re in the office you want to at least make the attempt to be subtle because all the HR buzz kills will put the kibosh on it like they do everything fun. You can also decide on a pre-set punch strength, say like 30% power to start out with, if you’re scared.
You may ask “how does being sucker punched help me prepare for a zombie attack?” if you have to ask you’re an idiot, but then again you do work in a cubical so we have to start someplace. So far I’ve found three benefits to being punched.
#1 How often do you get smacked around right now? I’ll answer for you, never. Being punched is man game; you don’t think your going to get bruised up battling zombies and the other survivors who are trying to take your food? Why try to learn how to deal with pain at that point? Train your body now to take a beating and then when it counts you’ll be ready to rock n roll.
#2 In the zombie apocalypse you have to keep your head on a swivel, you will never know when zombies could attack. As operation sucker punch continues in your office your going to find that your ever vigilant watching for the next guy to punch your ass right out. We call this “situational awareness” something most of the cattle you work with have no concept of.
#3 You don’t think your going to have to punch someone or some thing in the apocalypse? Unfortunately if you’re like the pansies I work with you haven’t thrown a punch sense grade school. When you, you do start punching your team you’re going to find your firsts, wrists and arms need strength to make your blows count, with Operation Sucker Punch you’re now developing these vastly underused muscle groups.
No go forth and beat the hell out of your survival team.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Zombie Spotting: Know the difference....or not.
Spotting Zombies and understanding their behavior is essential to your survival in the zombie apocalypse. Part of being prepared for zombie smashing is zombie spotting, makes sense, right?
A quick word on preparedness….
I went to lunch with my buddy today. We had Rock and Roll Chicken Fingers, which is awesome zombie fighting fuel, and something I will surely miss when society collapses.
Anyway, on the way back to work, I spotted a Zombie. Honest to God, there he was, gimping across the parking lot of the neighborhood liquor store. I big painful hitch in his step like someone kicked him square in the Johnson, left arm out for balance, right arm curled up like a mongoloid, pale skin, hair all mussed up, mouth open and drooling, tattered and beat up clothing like he just crawled out of a dumpster from behind a Chinese restaurant. Zombie for sure. Ok, maybe a homeless drunken turd, but it wouldn’t have hurt to bash him anyway. Everyone knows that the homeless population is a festering breeding ground for zombies and other communicable diseases untouchable by penicillin.
(Side note; don’t have sex with the homeless…or zombies…..definitely not with a homeless zombie, no matter how they beg or how small the asking price. Remember, you get what you pay for.)
So I said to my friend, “we need to smash that zombie” to which he replied,” I don’t have anything in the car to bash him with.”
Preparedness. The life we could have saved by smashing that zombie might have been your Mom’s. Pity, especially if she’s hot.
Back to spotting zombies,
Their skin is pale and probably pocked. Zombies don’t use much skin product, and they don’t tan after they have turned. This could be confusing in California where there will inevitably be a bunch of bronzed and preened zombies that may look ready for a game of beach volleyball or dressed up to go out for an espresso and to picket the Mormons over gay marriage. For this I say…use your best judgment. They are generally pale, like an emo goth kid. I would explain the tell tale differences, but honestly, do you care? Bashing an emo is you doing the job that natural selection should have done but couldn’t.
They will generally stink. Zombies are not known for their excellent hygiene. They are also known to poop themselves for lack of sphincter control. This will also make it harder to differentiate between zombies, emos, and Californians, so be sure to look for other zombie signs before bashing. Of course, if you bash strictly on smell, few juries will convict you if you get it wrong.
Zombies walk funny. Probably from all that God damn dancing. Look for the funny walk, but also take note of the prior notes on Californians and emos. Zombies are generally slow, of course unless they are dancing. Beware of the deadly zombie dance attack; many have fallen for underestimating the speed of their moon walk. My advice is to swing first if you see a suspected zombie in dance mode. The only way I see this advice going bad is if you happen upon a Halloween costume party where everyone is playing Wii dance dressed as zombies. For real though, they are getting what they deserve.
As I think of more, I’ll post it up.
Knowledge is power!
A quick word on preparedness….
I went to lunch with my buddy today. We had Rock and Roll Chicken Fingers, which is awesome zombie fighting fuel, and something I will surely miss when society collapses.
Anyway, on the way back to work, I spotted a Zombie. Honest to God, there he was, gimping across the parking lot of the neighborhood liquor store. I big painful hitch in his step like someone kicked him square in the Johnson, left arm out for balance, right arm curled up like a mongoloid, pale skin, hair all mussed up, mouth open and drooling, tattered and beat up clothing like he just crawled out of a dumpster from behind a Chinese restaurant. Zombie for sure. Ok, maybe a homeless drunken turd, but it wouldn’t have hurt to bash him anyway. Everyone knows that the homeless population is a festering breeding ground for zombies and other communicable diseases untouchable by penicillin.
(Side note; don’t have sex with the homeless…or zombies…..definitely not with a homeless zombie, no matter how they beg or how small the asking price. Remember, you get what you pay for.)
So I said to my friend, “we need to smash that zombie” to which he replied,” I don’t have anything in the car to bash him with.”
Preparedness. The life we could have saved by smashing that zombie might have been your Mom’s. Pity, especially if she’s hot.
Back to spotting zombies,
Their skin is pale and probably pocked. Zombies don’t use much skin product, and they don’t tan after they have turned. This could be confusing in California where there will inevitably be a bunch of bronzed and preened zombies that may look ready for a game of beach volleyball or dressed up to go out for an espresso and to picket the Mormons over gay marriage. For this I say…use your best judgment. They are generally pale, like an emo goth kid. I would explain the tell tale differences, but honestly, do you care? Bashing an emo is you doing the job that natural selection should have done but couldn’t.
They will generally stink. Zombies are not known for their excellent hygiene. They are also known to poop themselves for lack of sphincter control. This will also make it harder to differentiate between zombies, emos, and Californians, so be sure to look for other zombie signs before bashing. Of course, if you bash strictly on smell, few juries will convict you if you get it wrong.
Zombies walk funny. Probably from all that God damn dancing. Look for the funny walk, but also take note of the prior notes on Californians and emos. Zombies are generally slow, of course unless they are dancing. Beware of the deadly zombie dance attack; many have fallen for underestimating the speed of their moon walk. My advice is to swing first if you see a suspected zombie in dance mode. The only way I see this advice going bad is if you happen upon a Halloween costume party where everyone is playing Wii dance dressed as zombies. For real though, they are getting what they deserve.
As I think of more, I’ll post it up.
Knowledge is power!
SURVIVING Z-DAY
There are a few questions one has to ask ones self. Am I prepared for Z-day? With the inevitable Z-day approaching one needs to be equipped with many tools to survive even the first few days. The best thing to do is get a 72 hour zombie survival kit together. The following list is some of the basic necessities for survival for the first few days and the reasons why you will need then and the uses.
Basic survival gear
(72hour kit) (sleeping bag, food, water,) if you have to ask why you need food water and a sleeping bag you deserve to be a Zombie
(Gun) a gun is key, because it provides distance between you and the zombie
(Ammo) will be the most valuable and coveted commodity, a gun is useless with out it. Make sure to use sparingly
(Melee weapon) (machete, baseball bat) when you run out of ammo or if there is just one zombie it is best to kill them softly or in other words silently
(Knife) this is not a weapon it is a tool used for multiple cutting purposes
(Tools or utility knife) (Leatherman) when trying to escape if you a vehicle breaks down and or there are obstructions in you way such as a fence you will need tools.
(Backpack) if you run out of gas or the vehicle breaks down you may need to walk it out and you will need to take all of your survival gear
(First aid kit) injuries are bound to happen and as long as they are not a zombie bit or scratch you will want something to patch you up.
(Vehicle) you will want to find a vehicle that is somewhat armored or is a 4x4 with some clearance because you most likely will need to break through or climb over obstructions such as other vehicles and rocks and go off road.
(Gas can) gas will become the other commodity that will be most coveted and you may need a way to carry extra.
(Flash light) well… because you need to see when its dark
(A destination) this is one of the most important parts of survival you will need to find a safe and secure destination to set up base camp
(A route with a map and a backup route) the highways most likely will be blocked and zombies will be everywhere, so find a route that would be easy to escape on.
(2 to 5 good capable friends) this is also key you will need companionship and someone to watch your back.
(1 Idiot friend) this will provide a comic relief and someone who can be a decoy.
Basic survival gear
(72hour kit) (sleeping bag, food, water,) if you have to ask why you need food water and a sleeping bag you deserve to be a Zombie
(Gun) a gun is key, because it provides distance between you and the zombie
(Ammo) will be the most valuable and coveted commodity, a gun is useless with out it. Make sure to use sparingly
(Melee weapon) (machete, baseball bat) when you run out of ammo or if there is just one zombie it is best to kill them softly or in other words silently
(Knife) this is not a weapon it is a tool used for multiple cutting purposes
(Tools or utility knife) (Leatherman) when trying to escape if you a vehicle breaks down and or there are obstructions in you way such as a fence you will need tools.
(Backpack) if you run out of gas or the vehicle breaks down you may need to walk it out and you will need to take all of your survival gear
(First aid kit) injuries are bound to happen and as long as they are not a zombie bit or scratch you will want something to patch you up.
(Vehicle) you will want to find a vehicle that is somewhat armored or is a 4x4 with some clearance because you most likely will need to break through or climb over obstructions such as other vehicles and rocks and go off road.
(Gas can) gas will become the other commodity that will be most coveted and you may need a way to carry extra.
(Flash light) well… because you need to see when its dark
(A destination) this is one of the most important parts of survival you will need to find a safe and secure destination to set up base camp
(A route with a map and a backup route) the highways most likely will be blocked and zombies will be everywhere, so find a route that would be easy to escape on.
(2 to 5 good capable friends) this is also key you will need companionship and someone to watch your back.
(1 Idiot friend) this will provide a comic relief and someone who can be a decoy.
Zombie Apocalypse: Training Log - Entry #1
Pending the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse, otherwise know as Z-Day, physical training and preparation is going to be crucial to survival. One must possess a certain skill set if they are to have any chance of surviving the impending outbreak. Before you even think about saying it, NO! You, in your current obese, sloppy, sweaty, cheetos eating, sugary drink consuming, World of Warcraft playing waste of human flesh state have absolutely ZERO chance of making it! I’m not too worried about you though, because you’re going to be the same worthless waste of zombie decomposing-flesh anyway. I’ll be able to outrun you in your pathetic zombie form, all while carrying the necessary zombie killing gear and your MILF of a mom over my shoulder. Any chance of you ever making it through Z-Day without being turned is going to take some serious man effort! You think you’re ready sugar tits?!
1. They are freakishly slow.
2. They are ravenous and spread disease.
3. They have retard strength.
4. They can dance, this is very apparent in Michael Jackson’s 1983 Thriller music video.
Now that we have analyzed what we currently know to be the zombie's abilities, we can start to form a conclusion of necessary skills to combat the inevitable attack. I will be posting several training tips that will be necessary to your survival. Make sure to check back soon, none will be more important than the first entry.
Before we start our Zombie Apocalypse training, we must first know and be able to identify what an actual zombie looks like.
How to identify a Zombie
First, let's list what we know about zombies:1. They are freakishly slow.
2. They are ravenous and spread disease.
3. They have retard strength.
4. They can dance, this is very apparent in Michael Jackson’s 1983 Thriller music video.
Now that we have analyzed what we currently know to be the zombie's abilities, we can start to form a conclusion of necessary skills to combat the inevitable attack. I will be posting several training tips that will be necessary to your survival. Make sure to check back soon, none will be more important than the first entry.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Why it's time to get in shape
Physical fitness is key to surviving the zombie apocalypse. To make this point, I want you to look around you. What do you see? I’m guessing you see fat people. Now for some of you, there will be exceptions. Maybe you work in a fitness center, or for a manufacturer of body building supplements, or maybe you are a model living in model land where everyone is beautiful…If you are that person, by the way, You suck and I hate you. Anyway, this applies to you too, so pay attention. In the zombie apocalypse you can go ahead and assume that all those people around you will, all in a sudden, want to eat you.
That’s right, no longer are they hungry for that last jelly filled powder sugar covered donut, They are hungry for you. They want to rip the flesh from your bones with their teeth and bath in the gore that was your entrails. Now ask yourself this…..Can I kick these peoples asses? Am I man enough to smash in their skulls with a blunt object to save my own hide from their shared and horrible fate? Or will all these obese cube whales gobble me up like so many helpless little krill.
The real question is “am I STRONG enough to bash in their misserable zombie brains with that blunt object? And after I bash in the useless zombie noggins of the fatties that surround me, (or hot models, depending on where you work….Still hate you) am I strong enough to keep swinging and crushing the heads off of all the porkies in billing and shipping and finance and accounting as you bludgeon your way to freedom? Do you have the juice for that?
I’m guessing the answer might be no. Now you might be a personal trainer shaking your head right now thinking, “I can bash my way to freedom out of fattyville.” Well, you might have to fight a little harder, because you have to fight your way out of the gym where all of your super strong and ultra buff compatriots are pumping the iron just like you. Have you ever heard of retard strength? Zombie strength is just like that, but worse depending on how strong the person actually was before zombification. Can you kick their asses? ALL of them?
That’s what I thought. It is now officially time to turn up the training. You need to be a lean, mean, Zombie ass pounding machine. (I’m not alluding to gay sex with zombies There) You need some cardio, but you also need some good old fashion, sleeve busting man muscle to put the snap into that swinging bat, and send the zombie heads a-splatterin’.
Get on it!
That’s right, no longer are they hungry for that last jelly filled powder sugar covered donut, They are hungry for you. They want to rip the flesh from your bones with their teeth and bath in the gore that was your entrails. Now ask yourself this…..Can I kick these peoples asses? Am I man enough to smash in their skulls with a blunt object to save my own hide from their shared and horrible fate? Or will all these obese cube whales gobble me up like so many helpless little krill.
The real question is “am I STRONG enough to bash in their misserable zombie brains with that blunt object? And after I bash in the useless zombie noggins of the fatties that surround me, (or hot models, depending on where you work….Still hate you) am I strong enough to keep swinging and crushing the heads off of all the porkies in billing and shipping and finance and accounting as you bludgeon your way to freedom? Do you have the juice for that?
I’m guessing the answer might be no. Now you might be a personal trainer shaking your head right now thinking, “I can bash my way to freedom out of fattyville.” Well, you might have to fight a little harder, because you have to fight your way out of the gym where all of your super strong and ultra buff compatriots are pumping the iron just like you. Have you ever heard of retard strength? Zombie strength is just like that, but worse depending on how strong the person actually was before zombification. Can you kick their asses? ALL of them?
That’s what I thought. It is now officially time to turn up the training. You need to be a lean, mean, Zombie ass pounding machine. (I’m not alluding to gay sex with zombies There) You need some cardio, but you also need some good old fashion, sleeve busting man muscle to put the snap into that swinging bat, and send the zombie heads a-splatterin’.
Get on it!
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